The Loneliness Of The Long-Distance Blogger

Yesterday, I was ill. Off sick. Laid up. Bunged up. It was horrible, frankly, and probably compounded by it being man-flu or whatever other stereotypical names you may want to give my afflictions.  Whichever way you slice it, having a cold is one of the most insulting things that human civilisation has to deal with – it’s not life-threatening, it debilitates you, it puts you in a bad mood, you can’t taste all that lovely chicken soup you’re supposed to have and it makes your face look like the Michelin Man’s bicep. Anyway, I was out of action for the day, and my diet and activities looked a little like this:


Tissues and Lemsip. Good times.

Yuck, I’m sure you’ll agree. Honestly, another teaspoon of that disgusting blackcurrant swill would be enough to make me hack off a toe. Horrible stuff. Anyway, my thinking was that, as long as I’m sitting about feeling sorry for myself and blowing my nose, I could at least get something productive done on my day off. I sent DinoWoot an email early on asking him to send me the login details for this here blog (his response of “whoops, forgot” came at about half past four) to enable some home-blogging, and set about dumping the contents of my iTunes library onto my external hard drive. What an exciting blog post this is.

After some much-needed dozing and whining and Lemsip, I flicked the telly on to see Eamonn Holmes and that other woman from This Morning telling people how to keep their children safe online. This, coupled with the emptying computer on my lap, turned my mind to the omnipresence of technology. Even on a sick day, we can potentially be at work while we snivel.

Initially I though that this was a marked difference from when we used to milk an illness for as much as possible to get out of school. Ah yes, the days when all we had to entertain us on a sick day was the current copy of the Radio Times and educational programming… but then I remember what my mum used to shout at me on such days: “if you’re well enough to play with your Game Boy, you’re well enough to go to school!” Times, it seems, have not changed much.

Share Button

Asleep At The Wheel for IWOOTE.com PR Day

Anyone who found themself stalking the streets of central London yesterday may have been confused to find some comfortable-looking people taking to the roads in some bizarre vehicles. Unless, of course, you’re used to seeing a bed, a sofa and an office desk driving around Theatreland – and you’re not, are you? So let us tell you, there’s no better way to beat the numbing inevitability of a traffic jam in the capital than slipping on your jim-jams, closing your eyes and letting it all pass you by… assuming you’ve got a licensed and awake driver that is. Ahem.

Anyway, here are some pictures of our PR event for the launch of our brand new Experiences website, I Want One Of Those Experiences:




If you want your life to look like those pictures (and you’d be mad not to, surely) then have a look at the World’s Wackiest Racers Experience here. For a plethora of other silly, dangerous, white knuckle-inducing and, above all, fun experiences, look no further than our range of unhinged adventures here.

Share Button

Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

We’ve had a couple of interesting comments relating to our tactics for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse and, with more than a little smugness, we’d like to think we’re now well-versed in the best methods of defence. Someone calling themselves Monkey Mischief (we’re intrigued) opts for some seriously hazardous tactics, while the more reasonably-named Craig Melson has gone for some equally more reasonable safety measures. Thanks to both.




Sayeth Monkey Mischief:

“OK, absolute household essentials when under attack from a legion of zombies:

Food sources:

Squash is a big no-no! You cant drink the water cos it’s full of zombie gunk and the fastest way to get infected other than being bitten!
Ice cream – always good, helps when you feel low, helps when you feel high, usually after a kill, and helps for that quick sugar pick-me-up you need after running for your life.
Bottled water: defo an essential. If you have this then you’re ok to have squash.
Pot noodle: as long as your kettle still works you’re OK to boil the tap water and you have pasta for carbs.


Curtain rail
Put all of these together with the string and you’ve got the perfect weapon for killing zombies, without having to get within biting range!

Never stay with friends, in the end they will just get you bitten. All you need is Guitar Hero and an Xbox 360 you can keep friends but talk to them online, that way you can watch their sorry asses getting killed from a safe distance.

BUT MOST OF ALL you must have a Border Collie! Have you noticed how dogs never get bitten by zombies? You can train it to go out to the shops to buy more Pot Noodles and squash…”

Now, there are several inconsistencies with this strategy – is it wise to survive solely on squash and Pot Noodles? Tinned food is surely a better idea. Also, that Blue Peter-style weapon idea – what about close combat? There seems to be a definite focus on just grinning and making the best of a bad situation which, though commendable, might just end up in some serious brain-gnawing. And remember – a dog is for life, not just for the Zombie Apocalypse.


Craig Melson’s stratagem:

“Step 1: Be prepared before the zombies come. Stock canned and bottled water and dried fruits and tinned food as it cannot go off. Remember to allocate 20% extra water for washing needs.

Step 2: Destroy the staircase. If you live in a house, chop through the staircase so the zombies cannot walk up it. Also use this tactic for Daleks. If you live in flats or have concrete stairs, barricade it so nothing can come up or down.

Step 3: We’re in Britain not in a small Yank town. Therefore guns are mostly out. Make sure you have a long reaching bladed weapon or a bow to hack off the head of a zombie. In emergency, a broom handle with a kitchen knife securely fastened can act as a spear.

Step 4: Supply yourself with matches, candles and books. If the electricity goes out, you need light and heat, plus material. Reading engages the brain better anyway. After reading you also have emergency fuel.”

This is a much more reasonable series of steps. Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance and all that. Not too sure about the staircase tactic though – this is slightly debilitating if the Z.A. looks set to last a sustained period of time. In the short term, though, excellent foresight. As opposed to Monkey Mischief’s “just play Guitar Hero and the zombies will take care of themselves” attitude, Craig adopts a distinctly more Cormac McCarthy-esque viewpoint and would probably last longer.

Anyone else got some good tips for survival?

Share Button

IWOOT Unaffected by Royal Mail Strikes

KieranWoot takes the blog reins this morning, setting the record straight on IWOOT and the Postal Strikes. Watch him go:

“Despite appearances that all we do is give away iPhones and make the worst zombie movies ever, we actually spend most of our of time here at IWOOT Towers making sure that you, our customers, are constantly surprised by our levels of service.

We therefore have not panicked with the announcement of Royal Mail strikes, as the simple problem to solve is how we get our parcels to our customers. Luckily, we already have a couple of great couriers we work with and we can easily switch over all our parcels to those if there is even the whiff of a backlog with Royal Mail – hopefully you’ve been noticing this over the last week or so.


It obviously costs us more, which is of course a serious concern to a little retailer like IWOOT, but let’s be honest with each other (we can be honest can’t we? It’s not like anyone else is reading this…) we’re hoping that surprising you by getting your parcels to you as quick, if not quicker, during any strike action will have you telling all your friends how great us Wooters are.

It’s not for me to comment on the rights and wrongs of any industrial action, but we are an internet retailer and we rely on the postal system for a large proportion of our customer satisfaction levels. We love our postie but our customers always come first.”

Share Button

The Worst Zombie Film EVER Made

It’s finally here. Whatever you do, don’t go over to the IWOOT site and type “UNDEAD” into the search box…

Share Button

And The Winner Is… (Week 4)

You’ve done it again, IWOOT faithfuls – you’ve overwhelmed us with entries, and we’ve had a great week trying to stitch our sides back together. Your jokes have been plentiful, often hilarious and, at times, a little odd. Particular favourites included John S. Moore’s Dali joke (“Thieves have broken into Salvador Dali’s Studio. Police are looking for three giraffes and a mackerel.”) and Alana Jane Rea’s duck joke (“What do you get when two ducks bump into each other? A quack in the space time continuum.”), but we had to painstakingly go through every single one to find our favourite.

So, without further ado, we’re happy to announce that this week’s winner of the iPhone is:

Matt Hall – “abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz – Sorry, just had to post all my letters before the strike…”

Matt’s joke is topical and cheeky, and has particular pertinence in the IWOOT office – We will not bow down to the Postal Strikes! All deliveries will still be made!

Sorry chicken friend, someone else won.

So well done Matt and indeed, well done everyone. Why not have a crack at our Halloween competition this week? You can view the lengthy results of our joke competition and the Halloween competition at our Facebook wall.

Share Button

Win An iPhone Week 5

Last week, you made us laugh no end with your hilarious (and, as always, occasionally bizarre) jokes, but this week we want a totally different effect – we want you to scare us to death (well, maybe not to death… maybe into a light coma will do) by carving the scariest pumpkin you possibly can in an effort to get your hands on one of our iPhones. As usual, thought and effort will triumph, so think about making your pumpkin the most innovative, interesting and original pumpkin you can!

We made an example over the weekend:


 Yes, it's sitting on top of my toilet. It was the darkest room in the house.

Works better in the dark.

Surprisingly chirpy, isn’t it? As always, there are a few housekeeping issues to make sure your entries are valid, but they’re not too taxing – you must take a photo of your pumpkin creation and post it on our Facebook wall (in a similar way to our MS Paint and Desktop Sculpture competitions), and you must submit it before 10AM on Monday November 2nd. All the other terms and conditions are below.

I’m now desperately trying to think of a pumpkin/Halloween-related pun to sign off with… Ghoul Luck? Let’s go with that.

Competition Terms & Conditions:

• Closing Date For this competition is 10AM on Monday 2nd November 2009.
• Sadly, you can only enter this competition once. (You can’t fool us, you know!)
• This competition is completely free to enter, no purchase is necessary.
• No cash alternative is available for the prize(s) offered.
• This competition is open to residents of the UK only.
• Employees of I Want One of Those and their immediate families and anyone professionally connected with the promotion are not eligible to enter this competition
• The winner will be chosen by the IWOOT team.
• The winner will be notified of their win via the Facebook name submitted on the entry. If a response to this notification is not received within 14 days, IWOOT reserves the right to randomly select another winner. In light of this, please ensure you submit an email address that you use regularly!
• No responsibility will be accepted for entries that are not received.
• From time to time we may include customer comments and feedback on the site, and in our catalogue and other media. By submitting your comment you are granting us permission to publish it and, if necessary, edit it for clarity and typos.

Share Button

Windows 7 – Will It Make My Christmas?

As you may have previously read, my battle with my laptop running Windows Vista is a bloody and long one, and has led to several embarrassing situations (the less said about the times I told friends I’d be at their house in two minutes, clicked ‘Shut Down’ and been half an hour late, the better). I can really feel it culminating, and the urge to splurge and get myself a technology-related early Christmas present is almost impossible to ignore. My plan to save up for a Mac may have beaten into second place, though…

According to The Guardian, the new Windows OS, Windows 7 (another storming Ronseal title, much better than Vista) works faster than the OS it replaces on most computers. This, for me, is reason enough to upgrade. The basic Home Edition retails at £79.99, while Apple Macs start at around £799. That’s ten times the expense. Is it worth me saving up for a solution to a problem that could be solved very quickly and with much less of an impact on my wallet? True, it wouldn’t solve everything (my cheap-as-chips laptop must shoulder some of the blame), but it’s a start, isn’t it?

The only thing really standing in my way is the fact that I might be forced to have a Windows Party and partake in the kind of forced jollity displayed in the publicity campaign mounted by Microsoft in the run-up to its release. They come across as much like a social skills seminar as they do a Windows tutorial. Yuck.

So what is it to be? Expense, scrimping and saving, or throw my own Windows Party?

Share Button

We Need A Zombie-Killing Hero…

The marauding undead may be trying to convert us to their flesh-eating ways, but luckily there are two guys who won’t stop until… well, at least lunchtime.

Share Button

JennaWoot Taken By Zombies

We did all we could to stop them.



This is all that was left. The panda is very upset.

Who’s next?

Share Button