It’s Friday, we’re all itching for the weekend to start, so naturally the conversation in the creative team has turned to Zombies. Lock 5 people in a room together for long enough and it’s bound to happen (try it for yourself. You should probably ask the other peoples permission before you lock the door or you’re going to get in a lot of trouble).
Now, when discussing zombies, some ground rules have to be set: first off we’re talking Romero zombies NOT haitian folk lore zombies. Secondly, zombies can and do not run. Ever. As Simon Pegg once wrote, “Death is a disability, not a superpower. It’s hard to run with a cold, let alone the most debilitating malady of them all. “. Forget what you saw in the Dawn of the Dead remake, it wouldn’t happen. There’d be bits falling off with every footstep and they’d be reduced to a mass of quivering blubber by the time they got within 10 feet of you.
So what does one do when the zombie apocalypse finally arrives? Luckily, I’m one of those jammy people who lives in a house with bars on the window (I live in a dodgy part of London), but the front and backdoor pose a bit of a security concern. Pile 10 or 20 zombies up against them and they’d burst open like John Hurt’s chest, leaving the grateful undead free to run amok in my sitting room while me and the missus cower upstairs, no doubt hiding under the quilt in a misguided attempt at keep “the bad things” away (we all revert to our 3 year old selves when faced with horror movie scenarios). And that would be it – we’d be strolling around the town centre with the rest of them in no time, eyes fixed with a vacant glazed expression and on the hunt for human flesh.
However, being the forward planner that I am, I have strategically placed my bookshelf right beside the backdoor and moved my tool box downstairs. As soon as the news lets slip even a whiff of the impending zombie takeover I’m fixing that sucker over the door and screwing it into place. Let’s see them open the door now. As for the front, it’s nothing a filing cabinet or two can’t fix. Mrs Woot has been nagging me to take it upstairs for the last couple of months, but she’ll soon change her mind when London all goes a bit Lucio Fulci.
I once lived in Stoke with someone who’s strategy was so brilliantly misguided that I’ve been waiting for it to show up in the next Schlockbuster at Halloween: Ride around town on a skateboard popping caps in zombies with a shotgun. The two things that struck me as problematic were the availability of a shotgun in the Trent Vale, and my friends ability to cope with the recoil mid skate. It would be great to watch on the big screen though, wouldn’t it?
Have you prepared for a Zombie Scenario? We’d love for you to let us know. So get creative in the comments section. Who knows – we might all learn something from each other.