Following on from EddyWoot’s post regarding survival of the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse (it’s a-comin’ folks, accept it), I’ve been forced to contemplate my own escape routes. You see, I’ve just moved house AND changed jobs in the last fortnight, so I need to figure out some new security policies should hell finally overflow and the dead walk the earth.

My old office was on the first floor and next door to a Police station – perfect. A quick hop across the fire escape and we’ve got a one-way ticket to human victory. An armoury, and either some heavy-duty vehicle protection or at least some horses are ours for the taking. There’s something romantic about galloping through the streets of London, merrily decapitating the strolling undead with whatever discarded Police weapons one can lay their hands on.

Similarly, my old flat was reasonably secure. Again on the first floor, it had access to a network of roof terraces – perfect for sentry positions, snipers (armed with whatever’s to hand – shoes, books, heavy electronic equipment, that sort of thing) and generally keeping an eye on the hordes. This time, the nearest Police Station was a couple of streets away so, should the need arise, we could make a dash for it. There was a Somerfield on the way too, so anyone peckish for anything other than live human flesh could fill their boots.

Zombies Ahead

Now, all I can think of is the security lapses in my new lifestyle. I don’t know the IWOOT building all that well yet and, truth be told, it’s more akin to a labyrinthine secondary school than a standard office. Corridors wind on and on, every corner turned is a possible face-off with something that wants to eat your face off, and I’ve no idea where the Police Station is. Short of throwing unopened boxes of hefty gadgets at my zombified colleagues, I’m out of ideas.

As for home, I’m now miles away from help. I haven’t got an escape route and I haven’t even thought about where I might be able to salvage weapons from. What have I got? Ikea cutlery? Coasters? A saucepan or two? That’s not going to help anyone in the Z.A.

I’m dead. Any suggestions?

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