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Thanks to those of you who have so kindly kept us all informed with so many utterly ridiculous, and yet occasionally enlightening "Things We Didn't Know". It is your dedication to the absurd that keeps us all sane, or at least close to it on occasion.

Download our 'Things We Didn't Know Volume 1' booklet that you can keep on your desktop. It's full of some of our website visitors' bizarrest, most interesting and scariest comments...

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	From time to time we may include customer comments and feedback on the site, and in our catalogue and other media. By submitting your comment you are granting us permission to publish it and, if necessary, edit it for clarity and typos. We will never publish your name in full (Christian name and surname initial only).

What's sliced bread the best thing since?
Steffi

If you take the first two letters of your surname; first two of your first name; first two of your mother's maiden name; first two of the county/state you live in - add in that order, you will get your star wars name.
Dominion

Although money can't buy you happiness, it can buy you a load of stuff that looks, feels and smells exactly like happiness
I'm Hunting Wabbit

In Star Wars Episode One, in the pod-racing scene ET and Indiana Jones are spectators in the crowd
Andy Norris

The composer Robert Schumann fancied himself to have many different personalities. He gave them all names, then wrote a multi movement piece about them. In the final movement all of his personalities get together and have a party and praise Schumann for his excellent musical skills.
A Minor

Glass is a liquid. After approximately 10 years a window will be thicker at the bottom than at the top. I have a friend who can fit a protractor in his mouth. Ex Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was on the university science team which developed the first portable ice cream machines used in ice cream vans. Greenland is covered in ice and Iceland has a temperate climate, they were named so to confuse Viking invaders. The footprints of the first men on the moon will still be there after the pyramids have eroded. I am full of useless information.
Richard A George

Norway has a longer coastline than USA
Oeikli

'Coca-Cola' translates to Chinese as 'Bite the wax tadpole'
Web Mistress

Britney Spears is modern rhyming slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of Britneys will ya Doreen"
Andrew Hare

I once borrowed as many pens as I could from all my classmates (in a boring English class) and was able to hang all 47 of them on my head, ie on nose, ears, glasses, hair etc. - a new school record.
Omega3

There is an empty vodka bottle stuck to my kitchen floor, and I have no idea how it got there. I suspect my flatmate.
Little Star

CHELSEA F.C WILL NOT WIN THE F.A CUP
Cardenal Sin

The intestine of a Southern Asian dweller is 2" shorter than a European
Brown Derek T

Tap water has already passed through eight human bodies
Bwar73

my dog can't spell
Pompey Daz

Your body treats anything more than 8% alcohol as a poison and doesn't process some of it. That's why cider (normally around 7-8%) gets you the most drunk. Also mixing spirits gets you more drunk them drinking them neat. I bet you didn't know that.
Andrew

in the Philippines there is actually a dress shop named Elizabeth Tailoring and a bakery called Anita Bakery
Frances Posa

The castaway 2000 programme is actually a thriller series set up by the BBC. The castaways are all actors, and slowly, month by month they are intending on building it into a "blair-witch" style program. The transformation has already started; in the last episode there was a tin of paint that had been sabotaged and the gates to the pig enclosure had been mysteriously left open. Chance; I think not. Just wait and see.
Cueball

there is a site on the web with a 24hr web cam pointed at the spot where the second coming of Jesus is supposed to take place.
Salksk

It's actually 2004 - one of the popes decided he didn't like what happened 4 years during his lifetime and re-wrote history.
Fan 2107

This stuff about the universe being flat is just not true - I saw a small lump in it yesterday.
S Hyde

The only person in the World that Bruce Lee thought would beat him in a fight was Muhammed Ali
Alee

The oxymoron of the moment: "Microsoft Works"
Steve

Shooters Hill in S E London is the highest point, in a straight line, drawn between London & Moscow
Brian

i used to be a werewolf but i am alright now
David Cato

The least successful exhibition ever was held by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents at Harrogate in 1968. The entire display fell down.
Thomas

Trees break wind.
M Anderson

The original Han Solo was meant to played by Christopher Walken
Ant Harding

Siemens have a depot in Staines
Sean

Dylan Thomas's last words were "17 whiskeys. That must be a record."
Martin L

Ducks actually have telescopic legs which can extend up to 17 feet to allow them to stand on the bottom of ponds. They need this because they are actually made of lead and would otherwise sink
A & M Martin

Mackerel have the smallest relative turning circle of any fish.
Shep

I see dead people...
D Parazzoli

Yield gracefully when someone pushes in front of you. Then you can stab them in the back...
Elf

The world record for constipation is 108 days
Andy Ball

there are 256 different words for 'rice' in China
Chittara

Coca-Cola was originally green.
A Z Fong

more people are killed each year by donkeys than in plane crashes.
Mr Benn

dogs don't move their lips when they read
Chris Polmear

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
Noel Taylor

Frank Zappa's best guitar solo is on "Watermelon on Easter Hay"
S Smith-Langridge

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Simon Bond

At the height of the Cold War the Americans made the smallest drill bit they possibly could and sent it to the Russians as a display of their power. The Russians promptly drilled a hole through the bit and sent it back.
Mark Monger

Who is the only person to legally travel through a red traffic light? A postman delivering a declaration of war
R Stevens

I was half time entertainment at Luton v Arsenal 1989
Caz Butler

'The artist formerly known as prince' is an anagram of "no first-rate workmanship recently"
Shelving Unit

The bloke that used to do the voice overs for Gerry Adams played the now deceased Butch Dingle in Emmerdale
P K Ryder

the QE2 only does 6 inches to a gallon of fuel!
Aaron Pearce

Twenty years ago if you dropped a stone down a Lanarkshire coalmine you would have hit a decent footballer. And probably killed him.
Franco

It is categorically not true that Santa came out of a Glasgow chimney to find Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer up on four bricks
Razor

Ex-Celtic manager Wim Jansen is now famous as Scottish slang for dancing eg 'You going to the Wim on Saturday?'
Andy

The anal temperature of a hibernating bear is 98 degrees F
P J Pinchin

It is illegal to flush the loo in Switzerland after 10pm !!
S2K

I taught my Grandmother to suck eggs.
Thomas Taylor

spinach has no more iron than any other green leafy vegetable - it was simply a typo which a publisher made when writing a book on nutritional values
Suruchi Sthalekar

The South African Mabooboo monkey eats its own faeces during winter to help maintain a constant body temperature. That's a complete lie.
S Wallace

Panama hats are made in Ecuador.
Martin Walker

The registration number of the 1974 dodge police car owned by The BLUES BROTHERS was BDR 529
Andy

all the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20pm
Garry

man did not land on the moon. It was all staged at a secret TV studio!
Norm Burns

Mushrooms have as many as thirty-six thousand sexes. This could make blind dates a bit risky.
Rob Fallows

This is a silly section
Andy Z

Salvador Dali designed the Chupa-Chups wrapper
Joygasm

What does a donkey have for lunch? Half an hour.
R J Heward

Edward Woodward has four Ds in his name because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar.
AMC

Subaru backwards is 'U R A Bus'
G D Maclean

Take a slug of Baileys and swill it around your mouth like mouthwash. WITHOUT swallowing add a slug of lime cordial. Kaboom - one cement mixer
Laura Hitchcock

Two out three people wonder where the other one is.
Optimum

NOT ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THERE BY ROAD FOR YEARS
Simon George

Veal is not actually an animal
Julien

I only go to confessional to develop photographs
Themrog

The word loo came about when British soldiers went to France and the French would put them in hotels with 100 rooms; the last room would be the toilet, which happened to be the 100th room in the hotel
Jue

over 2 million stone blocks were used to build the largest pyramid at Giza - these same blocks could produce a two metre high wall running the whole way around France !
Bull in the Woods

Karl Marx's last words were "last words are for fools who haven't said enough"
Kevin Byrne

Gethin's girlfriend squeaks instead of snoring.
Dan

14p per litre unleaded fuel in Falkland Islands
Stevie Harrod

The L39 jet that you have for sale is the same model as those used for the opening sequence of Goldeneye. I know
Chris Gilmartin

a volunteer is someone who misunderstood the question
N J Blackburn

The boat (sorry catamaran) featured in the no object page of this site was built by my grandfather who is a elf and is made completely out of spent match sticks and made seaworthy by using the lining of his stomach after 30 pints of goblin brew and a small kebabbed hermit crab. I bet you didnt know that. I am also an incurable liar and have no friends other than a small mouse and a piece of rope witch to hang myself.
Sven Jensen

Margaret Thatcher invented Mr Whippy icecream by developing a special type of antifreeze when she was a chemist.
Gus Neil

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives
A J Green

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.
Barker Warwick

Socialism is where the poverty is shared out evenly.
Magrathea

The reason why Spanish people lisp a bit when talking is because years and years ago the king of Spain had a lisp and forced people in power and around him to speak the same way.
Stoopot

Did you know that the shadoof chant is the oldest song in the world???
Shane Darcy

Portsmouth Football Clubs first goalkeeper was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Melvyn Heybridge

98% of the recommended daily allowance of Fibrinogen (vitamin K) can be obtained by eating three small pebbles found on a beach.
James McQ

Christopher Lee is to be in new Star Wars film.
Martyn Brake

scientists have slowed the speed of light down to 39 miles an hour
W Blore

'I want one of those dot com' is an anagram of 'need a smooth two of tonic'
D Schley

There isn't a Nobel prize for maths 'cause his wife had an affair with a mathematician!
Pink Tongue

Mother-in-law is an anagram of Woman Hitler
B T Dolan

The nose on the statue of liberty is 6ft 4"
Richard Nelson

a tin of beans puts a fire out nicely with a small explosion
Jowett

Dublin is the fastest growing city in the world... because it's Dublin every day
Full Monty 76

The catalytic converter on the new Porsche 911 is so powerfull that if driven in LA the exhaust fumes are cleaner than the poluted air taken in.
RK Irvine

You can't make pineapple cheesecake.
Kathryn Tyler

Libyan stamps are certified Kosher
Badger

My great grandfather was a shepherd and walked his sheep from Elgin (scotland) to london to sell them. A distance of around 500 miles
Iain Catto

my front window's just fallen out onto a car below... cool!
Ceiron D

Dragons had hydrochloric acid in their belly and that's why there's no skeletal fossils of them
N Ryan

The honey monster played for Newcastle as centre forward and goal keeper for Manchester united in the same season
Alistair Little

all males start off female in the womb
Cosmic Boy

Real Daleks don't climb stairs -- they level the building.
Salacious

Medical research is a good way to earn money to buy toys. However the penile/finger swap is not worth the money they offer you.
Rhys

A helicopter that descends too fast will be subjected to "vortex ring state"
Smiling Assass1n

my uncle Sid had a false leg with a real foot on the end!
Big Mark

In the film Ben Hur you can actually see a 2CV in the background of one of the chariot races...
Gregor McInnes

A shark will only attack you if you're wet.
P Ninkovic

The average man has less than 2 legs
A Murray

never bet with a short butcher
Martin

The croissant originally came from Turkey
Ulrica Marshall

Battersea power station is the largest construction in the world made of single house bricks
GS London

England have a national football team.
Nick Handley

The only UK number 1 record to contain in its lyrics the title of the song which knocked it off number 1 was... Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (lyric: "Mamma Mia")
Andrew T

The Phrase "Check Mate" comes from an Arabic phrase "Chaz Mat" meaning The King is Dead.
The Funky Brother

Did you know that Anna Kournikova is a tennis player as well?!!
P Tryn

The Louvre was first constructed as a fortress in 1190 by King Philippe-Auguste to protect Paris against Viking raids.
Julie Warren-Wickford

if you take norway and stand it up on the southern most tip then let it drop southwards its northern most tip would reach morocco
P Dungey

flies lose the stickiness on the ends of their feet if you trap them under a smoke-filled glass for a while.
Kirsty F

There are more Jews in New York than Israel!
S Maskell

Segment 90876-MB-X2 of the human gene code is responsible for the metastasis of the medulla oblongata region of the brain therefore more prone to alzheimers disease
B11 GY

In New Zealand you are never more than 70 miles from the ocean.
B Wether

Buddha was born about 563 BC at Lumbini in what today is the kingdom of Nepal below the Himalayan foothills.
Viking 5359

If you stretch both your arms fully across and measure from the distance from the tip of your middle finger - that will be your height
Ashpunj

the fluff that every human on earth gets in their belly button is actually put there by my uncle Steve. i know this coz he told me
Sam Smith

I've just got home from a great holiday to find a load of grief on my doormat
Robin Carr

A termite walked into a bar and said 'Is the Bar Tender in here ?'
Richard Clark

Every film you ever watch on TV is speeded up by 4 percent. This is because film runs at 24 frames per second
Greg C

The distance from Sydney to Perth in Australia is the same distance as London to Moscow.
Selina Mullins

Earth rotation is caused by penguins running around the south pole.
Sea Bass

The grave of Karl Marx is just another Communist plot.
The Red Skull

In the days of the Old West a Six Shooter only carried 5 bullets because otherwise a sixth bullet under the hammer was likely to go off and shoot your toe.
Larry Cummings

Scientists use statistics like a drunk uses a lamppost - for support rather than illumination
Matt Kelly

The wingtip of 747 Jumbo Jet flexes 24ft vertically in turbulence
Russell

Andre Agassi had his chest shaved to improve his game. He is now one two hundredth of a second faster
Tim Cousins

The artery of a blue whale is so large that a human can swim in it
C Hedburgh

my best friend is called allan. he sits in my top pocket and tells me to start fires.
Sam Smith

The only english writing in the star wars trilogy is in the first movie when Obi-Wan turns the death star's tractor beam off
Stubert

I've just brought a X-zylo and hit my friend on the head FIRST THROW!! It usually takes at least 3 or 4 tries.
Jim Brown

My granny gave up knitting after she read that it was dangerous to share needles.
Simon

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions
Y2 Jackson

Cumbrians give the best reaction when shot with the Mini X177.
Steve O

The largest living thing on Earth is a mushroom formation that spans over four miles of caverns underneath Minnesota.
Andrew Pipes

Croissants were originally developed as a bake-able alternative to the human kidney by experimental chef / amateur surgeon Pierre Glassy. Unfortunately they were soon withdrawn from general use when they proved less than successful in clinical trials.
Tin Toy

I'm using my IWOOT Croosbow to make sure my girlfriend stays in the kitchen
CSW Home

there are twice as many nipples in the world as people...
MB Bellini

67% of people surveyed would rather be kicked to death by Rod Steiger than by Burt Reynolds.
ARD Veche

The French have one of the lowest instances of heart disease in Europe - even with their rich diet - as their doctors are under instruction to classify any heart attacks etc as 'natural causes' on the death certificate.
Fuller

Ma oon marko ja ma oon tassa ...
Marko Lonka

In Iceland, the word for telephone is pronounced exactly the same as the english word for 'man juice'
DJ Dowd

italian footy teams can only add a gold star to their club badge when they win 10 Scudettos (Italian championships)
Steroe

The Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers first flight.
Charles Gilmore

I'm a postman - There are 26 million addresses and 1.4 million postcodes in the UK
Rob Gillions

My girlfriend can't have more than a ten minute lunch-break coz they'd have to re-train her
Boothy

In "Enter the dragon" and some other of his films, the filming rate had to be speeded up because Bruce Lee could punch faster than 24 frames per second.
andrew evans

if you have train track braces on your teeth you should never walk too close to electric pylons
bless her

Never trust a bald barber. He has no respect for your hair.
pea preston

Free Internet CDs make good markers for orienteering courses !
michael.s.morrison

Speech-Recognition Demo At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return". Unfortunately, the software worked.
red wolf ric

did you know a carboard box can only be recycled up to three times
tony price

Over 60% of the French public thought that Richard Branson was the UK's Prime Minister
h cooke

Most men prefer beauty to brains because most men can see better than they can think
jean may

Nudibranchs are hermaphodrites and can make love to their partner twice in a single sitting and both end up pregnant !!
rob mcmahon

nutmeg in large quantities gives you hallucinations
dr kim

16 people worldwide have been crushed to death by vending machines when they tried to shake out their chosen snack
Jim the Lynx

the meat on the left leg of a chicken is more tender than that of the right leg.... honest!
lizard lady

if you extended all the neurons in the brain out flat, it would come to 40 miles long
jezz feldman

alligators can go without a meal for 2 years
sean burnham

Dogs only need a black & white tv licence because they're colour blind
Mike Reid

The speed of a man's facial hair growth will be affected by his female partner's menstrual cycle
Emma Hicks

There is a 'thriving' Welsh community in Patagonia
Ellen Edwards, Ffestiniog

Candle wax can be removed from tables by rubbing with an ice cube.
Carole Pearson, Tonbridge

Liechtenstein's greatest export is false teeth
Stuart Burns, Dundee

wd40 will get chewing gum out of carpets
Lynne Hucker, Ffestiniog

Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no beak
Nick Hopkinson, Derby

Don't waste money on buying mermaids tights
Steve McLean, Chorley

I know who let the dogs out!!
Simon Davies, London

The shortest schedued British Airways flight lasts a whole 4 minutes
Iain Stewart, Surrey

I sponsor Trinidad stream frogs at Edinburgh Zoo
John Thurston, Yorkshire

its either your 1000 - or an illegal trolley dash in Dixons - being skint sucks!
Sean McConville, Rugeley

No matter how hard you throw a Walnut at a window the Walnut will smash and not the glass (do not try with a brazil nut) I accept no liability for any damaged windows.
Paul Thomas, Oldham

A trekking Axe makes a fantastic snow brake when sliding towards the waterfall at the end of five finger gully on Ben Nevis on your backside at 50MPH.
Toby Mulford, Loughborough

Oscar Wilde's last words 'Either that wallpaper goes or I do'.
Rachel Steers, Basingstoke

How many 70s disco divas does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to go up the ladder and one to say 'Get Doawonnn!!'
Denise Bartup, Brighton

That Chinese writing is written vertically because it was originally written on strips of bamboo!
Roddy Tannahill, Edinburgh

Dolphins and humans are the only animals that have sex for pleasure.
Kelly Panayiotou, London

The Real Santa lives in small village in Denmark called "Holme Olstrup". He wears motor-glasses and a leather helmet all year round and loves sheep!
Morten Wagner, Drosselvnget

I have had nothing but trouble with my first name since I came to England.
Randi Winter, Guernsey

The biggest boat in the world is a supertanker containing 90 million gallons of fuel, enough to drive a car on 10 round trips to the sun and enough left over to fly a 747 around the equator 20 times. Its propellor is 30ft in diameter, it has a 3 mile turning circle and takes 5 miles to stop from full speed, 16 knots.
Alex de Gaye, London

If everyone in China were to jump up and down at the same instant the resulting Tsunami would drown the entire western Seaboard of the USA.
Tim Street, Farnworth

There is no such thing as 3rd World - it refers to the 1/3 of the world's population who don't know if they'll eat tomorrow. well... you asked...
Becky Duncan, Isle of Dogs

The word 'festination': a gait characterised by involuntary hurrying
Tracey Williams, London

I went to school with a girl whose dad worked on the Star Wars movies. He appears in one of the scenes sweeping up in the background as he didn't realise they were filming. Or that's what she always claimed.
Seona Cumming, Bedford

The batteries in torches wear out more quickly if you shine the torch on objects that are further away...
Dale Campbell, Brockhampton

The Eiffel Tower increases in weight by 52 tons when it is repainted every 7 years!
Kirsty Shaw, Tadley

A .44 magnum beats 4 aces
Alan Jones, Oldham

Eindhoven is the smallest town/city to produce a European Cup winning side.
Duncan Hancox, Abingdon

How do you know when a man is well hung? You can't get your fingers between his neck and the rope.
Patricia Comrie, Cornwall

The chinese have sent the USA 100 million cases of Viagra because they heard they couldnt hold an election!
Deborah Silverlock, Romford

Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be
Jez Taylor, Leicester

Uranus's moons all have a shakespearian theme to their names.
Lee Hollingworth, Solihull

If the screw holes in wood have become too loose, push one or more match in and then cut of flush with the surface (Make sure the matches are dead first) The new wood will provide sufficient grip for a good hold
Simon Buckland, Sunbury

A morbid fear of shopping centres is called a 'complex complex complex'.
Alan Colquhoun, Glasgow

You can generate really long burps by drinking about 2 pints of lager very quickly then running around and jumping up and down. Don't let yourself burp 'til you have completed the process.
Olivia Grace, Halstead

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them!
John Durnall, Birmingham

The Brontosaurus never existed. The man who discovered its bones was actually Mene Apachio and he named it the Apachiosaurus. But then everyone forgot about it, poor guy.
Peter Sheppard, Maidstone

Old people always have terribly clean car interiors
Victoria Webster, Nottingham

Cut an onion in half rub it on the sole of your feet. An hour later you will taste onion in your mouth.
Debbie Schmieder, Uxbridge

Aberdeen is the Gaelic word for hypothermia
Andrew Reid, Helensburgh

Milk crates make boring pets
Samantha Cottle, London

There is such a thing as a fogbow. A rainbow with no colours
Ernest Hemsley, Christchurch

Tony the tiger is not real - he is a cartoon tiger.
Ian Fitch, Elmsett

The universal gravity constant G is 6.67E-11 to three significant figures. Taking this and the distance of the sun from the earth into account you are about 100g heavier at night than at midday. Or in case one of you is a physicist and knows that: I have a cute little china house sitting on my desktop.
James Matter, Bury St Edmunds

A shark will only attack you when you're wet.
Barry Pearson, Newark

Two fish in a tank one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing"?
Thomas Nield, Winchester

At room temperature the average air molecule travels at the speed of a rifle bullet.
K Taylor, Ilkeston

Life is like a simile...
Simon Ward, Buxton

George Gershwin wrote Rhapsody In Blue with a woman sitting on his head
Sarah Bennett, Hadley

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from? Jason's Donnavan
Steve Newstead, Plymouth

Darth Vader knows what Luke is getting for Xmas because he has felt his presents.
Paul Reynolds, London

My karma just ran over your dogma!
Michael Burnham, Guildford

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the Spaniards.
David Guy, Ripley

Keyboard fluff mostly consists of breakfast cereal
David Buttress, Edinburgh

Actually, Azerbaijan is a country that begins but does not end with an "a" as well as Afghanistan. So there.
Dark Warrior, London

Afghanistan is the only country name that doesn't both begin and end in 'A'
Jeanie Sinclair, Bristol

Carrots and Parsnips used to be the same colour in mediaeval times. But the lords of the day couldn't tell the difference so a pigment was added to make them different... Is this the first GM product???
Carl Chapman, Ely

There's a charity gig for Vialli next week - it's called Lucazade.
Sally Tomlinson, London

Have you heard about the new Viagra eyedrops? Apparently they make you look hard.
Simon Kensington, London

In 1555, Nostradamus wrote: Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, The village idiot will come forth To be acclaimed the leader
Michael Keane, Limerick

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Rob Cole, London

Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately experience usually comes from bad judgement...
Laura Krassakopoulou, Athens

A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops; on my desk I have a work station.
Kerry Peters, London

In 1967 there were only 7 saxophones in all of Moscow.
R Dornan, Edinburgh

Firing your "softair" machine gun at your girlfriend means you have to spend the next week watching Channel 5 late at night... personal experience proves it so.
Dan Barham, Manchester

The Empire State building in NY contains 10 million bricks
David Hopwood, Devon

Duncan Webb of London in his mighty knowledge of the Biro nicking Fairies, forgot to mention that the little blighters use one black sock as a balaclava when raiding for the biros.
Lizard Lounge

Millions of lost BIC biros are in fact stolen by little pixies and used to make mobile catapults that fire TV remote controls down the side of sofas.
Duncan Webb, London

Wombats can run up to 40km per hour and stop dead in half a stride. They kill their prey this way - their prey runs into their bum-bone and smash their face.
Judith Marks, London

The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin during the second world war killed the only elephant in Berlin Zoo and no one else
Anthony Ellis, Ilford

London is closer to Moscow than New Zealand is to Australia.
Simon Ogilvey, Cambridgeshire

The origin of the word chunder comes from convict ships bound for Australia. When people were going to be ill they used to shout "watch under".
Tomas Story, East Sussex

This is the best site for lesbian camp
Rupert Tebb, London

Us Brits sent 560 million text messages in August and there were 10 billion sent worldwide.
Jonathan Webb, Surrey

'habari yako bwana' doesn't mean 'hello how are you?' in swahili, it means 'how are you Mr?'. 'Jambo, habari yako?' Is how you say it. Or you could simply say 'habari', 'poa', or 'salama'.
Superman 376

to say hello, how are you in swahili is "habari yako bwana?"
Alex Temmink, Plymouth

You can use squeezed nectarine skin juice & ten parts water to keep cats off your garden.
Chris Moore, Clacton-on-Sea

Confucius say: "Man that walks sideways through airport doors is going to Bangkok"
Pieter Bosch, London

Dragonflies don't have any - they use buttons
David McNeight, Farnham

If it wasn't for bad luck i'd have no luck at all
Janet McLoughlin, Luton

Cigar ash mixed with spit will remove most scratches from coffee table tops
Trev Keeling, Derby

If you were to take all the paperclips in the world that have ever been produced and lay them end to end, you'd have an idea how bored I am with my job.
Kirsten Keown, London

Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground
Hamish Walker, Croydon

What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily.
Alain Orset, London

The only survivor of the Munich Air Disaster still playing top flight football? John Lukic (his mother was a nurse on the plane who was pregnant with him at the time.)
Marco Cassandro, London

The Intel Chip fabrication site Rio Rancho New Mexico uses 10 million litres of water a day for cleaning chips. The over 10litres of water per square centimetre.
Gordon McGregor

More people are killed by donkeys every year than are killed in plane crashes.
Rebekah Mayne, Bangor, NI

If Bill Gates were to cash in his assets tomorrow, there is not enough US currency in circulation in the world for him to walk away with his net worth in cash.
Kay Cahill

There is new Barbie doll in the shops - Divorced Barbie (complete with all Ken's accessories)
Adrian Lindley, Sheffield

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
Gary White, Edinburgh

The opposite of Progress is Congress.
Dohdohs, Delaware, USA

The only footballer to play in the Glasgow derby, the Manchester derby and the Liverpool derby is Andreij Kanchelskis!
Greg Davies, Reading

My dad had a friend who married a schizophrenic called Annette. She had a terrible time trying to pull herself together after she married Mr Curtain.
Bob Lakey, Airdrie

Architectural working drawings cannot be done by interpretive dance
David McConnachie, Ottawa, Canada

About the comment that "Knightsbridge" is the word with the most consecutive consonants, that's wrong - it only has 6. Dysrhythmia and polyrhythms have 9 consecutive consonants.
Simon Biber, Australia

'Knightsbridge' is the word with the most consonants in a row...
Peter Wilson, London

The buttons that are on a man's jacket cuff date back to the decorations that used to be used to stop manservants wiping their noses on the sleeves of their uniforms - esp in Russia
Felicity Richardson, Cornwall

I spiked the Christmas punch last year. Sorry Dad.
Pen Brown, London

I used to work in a zoo circumsizing elephants - the wages were crap, but the tips were massive!
James Burnell, Stirling

If the space between the nucleus and the electrons of every atom was taken out the whole universe would fit into 1cm cubed!
Frost 2050

Niagara Falls is switched off at night.
M Pirso

The first man to die during the construction of Hoover Dam in the 1930s was the son of the last man to die whilst undertaking work on its construction.
Craig Alan Smith

If you cut the heads off two cockroaches and join the head of one to the body of the other using a thin plastic straw (such as the inside of a biro) the body of one will walk around using the other one's head to see and can actually eat and live for quite a while as the food that the head eats passes the juices along the straw to the body. Give it a try, it's a laugh.
Dave Allen

The Sargasso Sea laps at the shores of preciously no nations - being as it is a region of the western Atlantic Ocean entirely surrounded by more... er... ocean.
Darren

I can fit a calculator in my mouth
Dean

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there...
Culloch

I recently featured in a Blackpool tourist brochure eating prawns at the Pleasure Beach. Guess this makes me a "soft-prawn" star!
Emsiecov

Why do we clink glasses when we 'cheers' someone before drinking? Because in mediaeval times they would clash glasses so that liquid from each glass would spill into one another's glass & prove that both were drinking with good will and not to poison each other!
Waldersley

Whoopie Goldberg has secretly married Peter Cushing - she is now known as...
Gary Haberfield

Acne is caused by watching Chuck Norris movies
Bouch

People from Portsmouth spit out of the windows of their cars on entering Southampton.
Paul Wright, Portsmouth

In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you but I've got to help these folks first and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly so that the passengers behind him could hear "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said "I'm sorry sir but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
Marc Cohen, Herts

They are building little tunnels for hedgehogs so they don't get squished on roads. Now all hedgehogs can get stuck in tunnels and die instead of being squished. I think being a hedgehog must be hard.
Victoria Walters, Southampton

Want to hold up a bank in Latin? "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad caput tuum saxumim mane mittam." (I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)
Victor Chong, London

In Japan hospitals don't have fourth or ninth floors why? the number 4 is pronounced "shi" and means DEATH and the number 9 is pronounced "ku" which means PAIN.
Steve Evans, St Albans

Big Ben was slowed by five minutes one day in 1945 when a passing group of starlings decided to take a rest on the minute hand of the clock.
Annie Noel, Beds

You can't drive an 11 year old French car from London to Dublin in April without getting rained on - it's a statistical impossibility.
John Scally, Enfield

I like work. It fascinates me... I can sit and look at it for hours!
Katie Stimson, London

Remove a dint from a carpet by placing an ice cube in a spoon and resting it in the dint. It'll spring back up.
Kevin O'Brien, Liverpool

The cat could be your downfall...
Beccy Foote, Nottingham

I said no to drugs but they didn't listen.
Sean Elliott, Chester

The internet is often referred to as the 'WEB' as it was originally conceived by the Welsh Electricity Board. The internet that we know now is based on their initial idea of connecting all of the computers in Wales with a tiny thread along which spiders would carry messages.
Steve Bridgeman, Long Eaton

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence
Conway Billington, Huddersfield

If you mouth the word 'colourful' to someone, it looks like you are saying 'I love you'!
Joy Luxford, Wellingborough

Dogs stopped doing those 80s white shites because their food improved in quality - FACT
Paul Black, Glasgow

A falling cat always lands on its paws and buttered toast always falls butter side down. Cats' paws are therefore made of butter.
Stuart Young, Southampton

Perpetual motion: toast always land buttered-side-down. Cats always land on their feet. Strap a slice of buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop it. It will hover, slowly spinning, inches above the ground. This energy can be harnessed with a dynamo.
Oliver Kreitman, London

There was no reference to 'The Virgin Mary' in the original bible - it was a mistranslation of 'A young girl Mary'.
Stuart Randell, London

Cheese. It's just milk's attempt to become immortal!
Sam Turner, Derby

Hull City is the only British league football team which hasn't got any letters you can fill in with a biro!
Dave Edwards, Sutton Coldfield

Jamie Oliver (the "Naked Chef") uses human flesh to cook all his stuff. The bastard.
Mike Thorpe, Stockport

If you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane and everyone joins in!
Dave Hefford, Northampton

Fellas - if you're aiming to impress the girls by putting rugby socks in your pants... always remember it works best with them down the FRONT.
Craig Pert, Aberdeen

The wind is caused by trees moving to and fro, thereby causing a draught.
Don Pardoe, Halesowen

The plaice is the only fish that can program a video recorder
Chris Coates, Ormskirk

Did you know that MIGROS supermarket in Switzerland do THE most amazing coconut yoghurt ever?
Pierre-Eric Simon, London

24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Peter Hunt, Bromsgrove

In the gent's toilets in the basement of what was Sir John Cass College in Jewry Street London EC, you pee against the old Roman London Wall.
Frank Minney, London

'Ta ceann dibh sin ag teastil uaim' is Irish for "I want one of those" & it's pronounced 'taw k-ann doh shin egg te-ass-till u-mmm'
Karl Seagrave, Dublin

Goths are not miserable sods. We're all (well mostly) very chirpy. Thank-you-ever-so-much.
Matt Burns, Edinburgh

If Bill Gates stuffed his $63Billion fortune under his mattress (in dollar bills) and he fell out of bed, it would take him 18 minutes to hit the floor.
Kirsty McPherson, Fleet

Is anorachnophobia a fear of all things technical and nerdy?
Sharon Shephard

most people have heard of things that are 'nocturnal' which refers to the night but did you know that things that flourish in the evening are known as 'vespertine'?
Paul Whitlock

The most poisonous spider is not the black widow but the wingless daddy longlegs however their fangs cannot pierce human skin and so pose no threat.
Neil Hawke

The piece of paper that you fold up and put under a table leg to stop it wobbling is called a Ludlow.
My Friend Ian

If you got all the vehicles registered in Andorra and laid them end to end you would need twelve more miles of road than Andorra has...
Bex Is

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Dave Hefford

If travel broadens that mind what happened to Judith Charmers?
Kate Mott

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books if you simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Gordon Brown

Pronounce "God Jesus" backwards...
Duncan

I feel like an 18 year old. My wife won't let me have one.
David

When reclaiming old graveyards for new developments, a disturbing number of the exhumed coffins have scratch marks on the inside of the lids.
Aaron

You can work out the temperature outside by listening to crickets. It is calculated by the time between chirpy noises (then add 30)
Amy Stupple-Bagnall

What shape does a pear go when everything goes wrong?
Anton Iglet

Smoking can seriously shorten your cigarettes.
Max Smyth

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest follow?
Philip Carvalho

One third of all Taiwanese funeral processions include a stripper.
Fat Andy

In China, the beer we drink (Tsing Dao) is made with formaldehyde (that's embalming fluid). Gives you a rotten hangover but it's very drinkable.
Warren, Beijing

'Mi pierna artificial es apenas noticable' means 'my artificial leg is barely noticable' in Spanish.
Jo Asker

According to legend, cheese was "discovered" 4,000 years ago when an Arabian merchant journeyed across the desert, carrying a supply of milk in a pouch.
Boyle On The Bum

Pushing a fifty pence piece into plasticine then filling the imprint with water and freezing it creates ice fifites. These can then be usen in electricity meters and when the temperature rises, hey presto, the 'evidence' disappears.
O Johnston

The bitter end is not an emotion, but a knot in the end of a painter (rope) to stop it passing through the "bits" on the deck of a ship. That do?
Mike Ryalls

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Richard Winborn

I used to think my brain was my favourite part of my body... then I realised what was making me think that!
Tariq's Mum

Quote from Arthur C Clarke - "How inappropriate to call this planet 'Earth', when it is clearly 'Ocean'...
Susan Clark Wilson

Weddings and funerals in Sudan: Being a guest at a wedding is not just an excuse to lob raw confetti about. It is also an excuse to to climb aboard a camel and fire an AK-47 rifle into the air. One guest in this African state got a bit excited and managed to fall off his camel in the process of shooting. On his way to the ground he managed to kill three guests with the high-powered bullets.
M Kitara

If you weighed everyone in the world with every living creature, ants would make up more than 10% of the final total.
Beverley Smith

When on holiday abroad wash in coaltar soap everyday and you will not get bitten by mosquitos.
Linzi, Bristol

There are more than twice as many nipples in the world than people. Around one person in 500 has an extra "auxiliary" nipple or Nevus.
Jonathan Hart, Chesterfield

In the film Ben Hur, if you look carefully during the chariot race, you can just see a small red Renault car in the distance. True!
Pete Burchell, Blandford

Did u know the Chinese discovered smoking? Apparently some Chinese people were working in a tobacco field when a small fire was accidentally started. They could smell the tobacco burning and one of them said, "Mmmmm that smells nice - I think I'll go buy a packet of fags!"
Robbie Phayer, Sunderland

mi pierna artificial es apenas noticable means 'my artificial leg is barely noticable' in Spanish
jo asker

Pushing a fifty pence piece into plasticine then filling the imprint with water and freezing it creates ice fifites. These can then be usen in electricity meters and when the temperature rises hey presto the 'evidence' disappears.
o johnston

I have a spot on my bum in the shape of Gordon Brown
little miss monged

the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
richard winborn

Quote from Arthur C Clarke - "How inappropriate to call this planet 'Earth' when it is clearly 'Ocean'...
susan clark wilson

Although they live in it dolphins don't drink water. They only drink 7-up.
benscher

If you want to say Hello in catspeak blink very slowly as you are looking at the cat then look away.
ana mcara

The Simpsons are just drawings.
crimbo

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.
yvonne.evans

If you have been drinking then you should take alka seltzer before going to bed - NOT when you wake up or your hangover kicks in. This is becuase whilst you are a asleep it will replace all the vitamins and salts the body has lost through dehydration.
the boy pickard

'sapient' is an anagram of 'panties'.
s t anderson

angel fish acquire a stripe after winning a fight with another fish
e mahoney

A woman in America sat for 2 hours in a supermarket car park holding her brains in after being shot. When someone eventually came to her aid they found a can of Pilsbury Dough - it had exploded in the back of her car and splattered her on the back of her head.
bazpa

Did u know that the soul function of the appendix is so that the digestive system can still function when crouched on all fours. Useless for humans but great for monkeys and animals alike.
jinmen

jetskiis are banned on sa rivers cause they suck the prawns out their holes
frosty

If a crab is in a basket it will climb out but if there is 3 crabs in the basket the other 2 will pull the crab back in
Siht

men who have pierced body parts are better prepared for marriage.they have experienced pain and brought jewellery.
h paul

If you put raisins in a glass of lemonade (fizzy) you get a low budget lava lamp!
mishmav

One of the greatest mysteries surrounding the Bermuda Triangle is the fact that while geographically it is indeed located near Bermuda geologically it is in Dorset England.
a morgan

Mae West said "give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you"
paul

I want to die in my sleep like my granddad not screeming in terror like his passengers
john c

Every e-mail phone and fax are monitored by the Government. Of course it's illegal to do this but here in the UK they do it and in the USA too and they just swap the info so they ain't breaking any laws. Its called Echelon...
mel blah

If you Sneeze while traveling at 60 mph you will cover 60ft Blind!
steve forth

there's a man in Dublin who entertains bored drivers at traffic lights by playing the flute... wonderful except he hasn't got a flute! There's also a man in Ireland called Bang Bang. When someone walks past him he shouts "Bang! Bang!" and they actually fall over.
alex

In Coober Pedy, 836 km north of Adelaide, men and women live and work underground as it is too hot to live on the surface. Coober Pedy is located
buzz

Airports use urea (purified pee) to defrost runways
john.patterson

Redbush tea has a cleansing effect on the body when drunk without milk. Redbush tea is naturally caffeine free and low in tannin.
sam

the hottest chilli sauce in the world can be bought from Peppers on the Pier, St Petersberg, Florida
susan davies

I was going to get my hawk's beak trimmed but logged on to the web instead
clifton dj

wall to wall carpet is very difficult to cut to size. HINT: get your new carpet lay it on the ground and build a room around it.
jess brown

Bob Holness was the first James Bond (on radio)
terrace stomp

My mate barry religiously throws up every morning and has done for the last 26 years - and no-one knows what wrong with him. How spooky is that?
alan.bierman

Did you know that if you find yourself in the South African bush and you've somehow managed to cut yourself you can stitch up the wound by using the s.african bush ant. you take the ant by the body and place one of its rather large pincers on one side of the cut and then angle the ant(now pretty p***ed off) so that the other pincer now can reach the otherside of the cut and let the ant bite. This forces the cut closed and you finish off by snapping the ant's body off from its head. the ant head will not release until you decide to see a real doc.
silver_surfer

Before she won her Oscar and became a New Labourite MP Glenda Jackson used to work in the 2 Is coffee bar in Old Compton Street and John Barry was one of her customers - 'One egg sandwich and one cup of coffee please Glenda!' he would say
kaleidos

The Millennium Falcon from Star Wars was used as the base in Blade Runner!
jp4chat

Two aerials fall in love get married the ceremony was a disaster but the reception was brilliant.
brett

There's a WWII underground bunker that runs from Clapham South to Kennington where the Govt kept the contents of London's museums during the Blitz. It's disused now but you can still see the access silos at Clapham South, Clapham Common, Clapham North, Stockwell, Oval and Kennington.
poontang ltd

Astrgyas the king of the Medes was told by the Delphic Oracle that if he attacked the Persians he would destroy a great Empire. He did - his own.
aparan

The roads in northern Sweden sometimes seem exceptionally wide with very long straights. Reason? So the airforce can use them as runways in wartime.
magmaster

Did you know that the eskimos have 152 words for linguist?
mrs carey

Most IT contractors are at least 120 years old (if you go by their timesheets)
malcolm.linge

There is a sea squirt (found in the seas near Japan) that digests its own brain. When the sea squirt is mature it permanently attaches itself to a rock. At this point it does not need to move anymore and has no need for a brain. So - waste not want not - it eats it!
true.blade

If you water your lawn with lager it'll come up half cut
karen eckerman

The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from the Inala Area. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the western suburbs can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 sec without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage. However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem not only were "da boyz" changing the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 sec they had resprayed, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team.
Simon Ryan

Eagles may soar, but Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
stuart rolland

TV in olden times was made out of solid chalk and was incapable of receiving broadcasts of any kind.
Log

If you put a cow in a glass of coke it won't be there in the morning!
clarey x

Wales is the only country in the world that entered this Millenium with the same flag as when it entered the last Millenium
Ace

A minister of the Cambodian government flew to the UK to ask for as many Mad Cows as possible for the purpose of blowing up landmines
ed gladman

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme... They sent me Diana Ross.
mark.gledhill

Only cold coffee helps to sober people up. Hot coffee sends more blood to the stomach to cool it down thus absorbing more alcohol into the bloodstream.
Emily T

The largest organism alive today is the Armillaria ostoyae or honey mushroom which covers 890 hectares(2200 acres) and lives underground and can be found in the blue mountains of Oregon!
Bates

The surfing man in the naff Old Spice adverts is Matthew Perry's (Chandler in 'Friends') father.
kay claire

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the the Exon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80 000. Two of the most expensive animals were reintroduced to the wild at a special ceremony. With in 2 minutes they were both eaten by a killer whale.
Adam

A MAN WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND ON HIS SHOULDERS HIS FRIEND SAID "WHAT HAVE YOU COME AS ? HE REPLIED " A SNAIL. THIS IS MICHELLE."
Barbara, Runcorn

The reason it's so windy in this country is cos of those big windfarms all over the countryside. Total waste of electricity if you ask me...
colin capelle

Why do we drive on the left side of the road? So that you can draw your sword or pistol (worn on the left) and defend yourself against attackers when on horseback.
c.f.kemp

George Clooney isn't really a doctor.
everest10

More people were killed at Chappaquiddick than Three Mile Island
uk dragon

An F1 racing car can go upside down in a tunnel at 60 MPH and not fall down coz of its great downforce!
kasim hussain

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
g malone

you don't get white dog poo anymore because they stopped putting chalk in dog food
susie le blond

They aren't really fixing the streets just moving the holes around so motorists can't memorise them
Mike

Bugs Bunny was based on the actor Cary Grant whom Friz Frehling had seen nibbling a carrot at a party.
aextance

there are women on the Isle of Man!
D.West

26 is surrounded by a square (5*5) and a cube (3*3*3) and is the only number to do so...
i m berry

The saying "saved by the bell" comes from the old days when they used to dig up graves and find scratch marks on the inside of coffins. People used to attach a piece of string to the inside of the coffin and this used to run up through the earth and was attached to a bell. If the person was still alive they could pull the string hence "saved by the bell" Also the saying "dead ringer" and "graveyard shift" come from the same thing!! I hope you've all had a good weekend?
jason_rawles

IF YOU NEED TO REMEMBER PI, JUST COUNT THE LETTERS IN EACH WORD OF THE SENTENCE: "MAY I HAVE A LARGE CONTAINER OF COFFEE?" IF YOU GET THE COFFEE AND ARE POLITE SAY "THANK YOU" GET TWO MORE DECIMAL PLACES. [3.141592653...].
James

American Airlines saved $40,000 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Juliet

The oldest sea-going boat in the world is on display in Dover (1550 BC)!
Pete Clark

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them whilst you do it
Wyn Pecock

Never play cards with anyone with whose middle name is 'The'.
Paul Floyd

Jack Nicholson used to answer fan mail for Tom & Jerry!
Nick Gaxton

The original Alexandria is about 4 km off the coast of Egypt.
Christian Sumner

Your ex's CDs make GREAT frisbees!
frankie_mochan

As soon as the currency changeover is complete the phrase "spending a penny" will be replaced by "Euronating"
miss miskey

the magnetic field around jupiter is so big that if it was visible it would look the same size as the sun even though it's 5 times further away!
keegan's bird

if u didn't have a thumb the bottom of your butty would fall off
teedee

A 'chicken tarka' curry is similar to a 'chicken tikka' only 'otter.
d_ramsay

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
anthill

Did you know that the Bass triangle is trademark No 1?
catherine kinsey

There's more fibre in a single bowl of Kellogg's All Bran than there is 10 000km of fibre-optic cable
ifarrell

if a flea was the size of a human it could kick your arse
joe m reed

Ancient Scottish Kings were crowned in our friends back garden - we have the footprints to prove it.
heather.mclean

It takes 10 million years for one gas bubble to reach the surface of the Roman Baths in Bath England.
charley payne

The guy who played Tweekie in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century also played the part of a junior Penguin in the Batman film where Danny DeVito was THE Penguin.
Imagineering

The internet was invented by the American military as a durable scalable means of transferring information and so that in the event of nuclear war American military leaders could still look at pornography.
kool_enuff

Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is NOT the top selling soft drink.
sean.wigley

The river Arundel is named after the town and the town is named after the french word for swallows which is "hirondelle" as they nest in the town.
craig

After the first design failed what did the man who invented the drawing board go back to ?
merlyg

Germany's soccer team wear Green as a thanks to Ireland. Ireland was the first team that agreeed to play them after WWII.
cliffy

(Re Rory Davies comment) A sound man then came in and gave her one-two.
Giles, Houston

A girl walked into a cocktail bar and asked for a double entendre so the Barman gave her one.
rory_davies

Spiral staircases are anti clockwise to make defending from above easier with a sword and attacking from below extremely difficult if right handed. Thus left handed swordsman were paid a premium.
cjh

since light travels faster than sound is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
wideboy 2000

i was the first ballboy at Wimbledon in 1984 to throw a ball to Boris Becker
ashley jpt

The word Plonk for wine comes from the war when english people fighting with the french heard them talk about Blanc or white wine.
dublin121

In an average lifetime there will be over 50 000 images of you on photos you'll never see.
Philip

The sphinx was not created bye the egyptions since it shows signs of heavy rainwall and it hasn't rained it that reigen since the end of the last ice-age!
k-dog.aumidi

During the 2nd world war lots of metal railings from victorian houses were cut down for the war effort. But in fact they were never used - it was a stunt to get the public behind the war effort.
barbara cooper

on a journey away from the nest, ants turn back and store an image of what they see repeatedly until they start the return journey which is when they arrange the images so they know what the journey home should look like.
tony lee parker

Did you know what makes yawns catching? If you see someone yawn then your body assumes that there isn't enough oxygen around (that's why you yawn - to get more oxygen to the brain) so it makes sure that you take at least as much as the other bastard who is trying to steal your oxygen.
big boys toys

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
richard.britt

The Nike "swoosh" logo was designed by University of Oregon student Carolyn Davidson in 1964 - four years after business undergrad Phil Knight and track coach Bill Bowerman founded the company they originally called Blue Ribbon Sports. Ms. Davidson was paid $35 dollars for her design.
csc158

You can NOT see the great wall of china from space with the human eye. Its only as wide as a house. You can see it with telescopes but you can see anything on earth with a strong enough telescope.
Gareth Faulkner

Press the door close and floor button at the same time and it will go to that floor without stopping along the way. Mostly used by cleaners etc so often found in large hotels and office blocks.
dawn budge

Copper wire was invented by two Aberdonians fighting over a penny.
gemmell

If I call my Mother in law the M in L then what do I call my Father in Law?
the.lasker

Before you criticise a man walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you do criticize him you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
jem davis

The word 'Debris' dates back to the 100 Years War.
nigel

Black & Decker invented a drill especially for spacemen to take to the moon as prior attempts spun the spacemen round rather than the drill bit.
jon.finch

Admiral Greig founder of the Russian navy & John Paul Jones founder of the American Navy were both born in Scotland.
jimar

why do aliens always abduct stupid people?
mogodojo

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore due to his diet he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
n x thomas

50% of anarchists played "follow the leader" within the last 4 weeks!
sl1

The average scalp has 100 000 hairs. Redheads have the least at 80 000; brown and black haired people have about 100 000; and blondes have the most at 120 000.
kerry wright

A bus carrying 5 passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene 14 pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
phillip mcguinness

Life is just nature's way of keeping meat fresh.
ian.mcguire

You can remove candle wax from carpets by ironing over blotting paper which absorbs the wax
sally smilie

if you stand at the bottom of the Grand canyon your feet are touching rocks that are 1.7 BILLION years old (you head is level with rocks that are 500 000 years younger)
rashp

Walls have ears - I found one in my ice-cream!
v barber

in Episode 1 the actors were told off in the fight scenes for making the voooom sound of the lightsabers whilst fighting
spook frog frog

If you freeze a bee you can tie a bit of string to it like a leash. Let it de-frost and it will be totally unharmed by the freezing and you can then take your pet bee for a walk (or take it for a fly) in your local park.
hammy burgess

Zap garlic cloves in the microwave for 15 seconds and the skins slip right off!
David.Colderley

STRESSED spelt backwards is DESSERTS
Anntonina.Rice

There is more salt in a bowl of corn flakes than there is in a packet of Ready salted crisps
chriskingdon

Nelson's column in Trafalgar Sq is the same height as the mast on the HMS Victory ship.
paul.stancheris

I once won a toasted sandwich maker from the "Totally Jewish" website then felt guilty for ages because I'm not actually Jewish...
julie

the world land speed record for a caravan is 167mph. it was being towed by a dodge viper!
wicky_wicky_stylieee

There are no roads in the city of London
robert.chesher

The entrance to the Channel tunnel is square in the UK and round in France.
susan.carey

Did you know that there are more miles of canals in Birmingham than in Venice OR that if asked Neil Armstrong will SWEAR that he saw alien spacecrafts in a crater on the moon. He will not volunteer this information however.
tommy_toolman

A cubic mile of fog is made up of less than a gallon of water
richard.orme

Should you see the flying pig - please remember her name is Majorie (she gets upset if you call her anything else!) the name Charing Cross actually derives from French - La chere Reine - The Dear Queen.
p beagle

panta Hellenici estin emoy is greek for "It's all Greek to me"
steve the sleeve

The Black Eagle is the only bird of prey that never stops flying. If it dies in flight rigor mortis sets in so rapidly that its wings go rigid within seconds enabling it to glide to the ground safely (if only it weren't dead).
sharron.traer

The reason beer tastes so smooth is because it is good for you.
kathryn.ratcliffe

ANTS WONT CROSS A CHALK LINE!
RAGDOLLY

If the Alps were just 5 metres lower Swissair would save $30000 on fuel costs due to a lower approach to Zurich airport.
eniur

Helicopters can't fly - they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
cattz

Putrefied shark is a delicacy in Iceland. Freshly caught Greenland shark is poisonous because of its cyanic acid content. But some centuries ago Icelanders discovered that if they buried the carcass and left it to ferment for a few months it didn't actually kill people when they ate it, hence the frankly revolting national dish.
david.m.martin

my computer beat me at chess but i won when it came to kick boxing.
george falls

My father has just become the first Mongolian Consular to Dublin as a result of his commitment to business development in Ulan baatar Mongolia.
Ciara

I refereed the World Professional Snooker Final this year!
eirian.williams

The smallest dog on record was called Sally
rae morley

Given the proper amount of surprise a goldfish can beat the hell out of a gorilla.
raziel

The phrase "It's not over until the fat lady sings" is actually a mis-quote. The correct phrase is "It's not over until the fat lady sinks" and has its origins in the game of billiards. The black eight ball was commonly referred to as the "fat lady" so no matter how bad the game was for a competitor it wasn't over until the "fat lady" sank.
james trotman

The expression 'eaves dropping' comes from when houses had a gap between the eaves and the wall. From outside internal sounds appeared to 'drop' from the eaves.
b hartley

my relative identified the flowers on Tutankhamun's mummy and deduced the time of year he died.
Alex

Te aurdire no possum. Musa sapienum fixa est in aura. is Latin for "I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear."
Ian Munnings

revenge is the only word in the english dictionary which has a word that is the meaning of it in the centre
D A Malone

An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel.
Will Gaskell

I went for a long walk in the country yesterday, and my calves are hurting. I must remember to file their teeth down.
Chris Griff

man united smell of wet dogs
Drew Redmond

before you throw in the towel make sure you dry yourself
Fiona West

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.
n bahra

Bet you didn't know how to do this face>>()...
zorrozebra

Turn to Psalm 46 in the King James Version count 46 words from the beginning (shake) and 46 words in from the end (spear); and the translation was completed when Shakespeare was 46 years old and he was born and died on 23rd April (2 X 23 = 46).
alwyn

What should you do if you meet a hard of hearing jaundiced yet laid-back male cellist? Bellow "Hello, yellow, mellow cello fellow".
jfidler

If you mix half a pint of Stella and a bottle of Smirnoff Ice you get what is called a Turbo Shandy. Not that I condone that sort of drinking.
phil.m.richards

You no longer have to worry about those pesky south paws bothering you in your old age because they have an average life expectancy 9 years less than us 'normals'.
matthall

3.14 isn't actually the value of pie. the value of pie is actually dependent on the filling where generally steak and kidney is more expensive than cherry bakewell.
wbholmes

if everyone in the UK read all three pages of "comments" we would lose 10,000 working days
tony.kneil

Belly buttons can be used for salt/vinegar/sauce when eating chips in bed.
matt_wardstatto

Why can't someone invent a razor using just the third blade as that seems to be the one that shaves the closest ?
ian 329

a person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat
shaun barrow

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
rcmm25

my mum met your mum on the bus the other day and she said you still wear nappies
liam lufc

The chips in Littleport are getting worse. Try Alans in Ely :o)
glen

Diana Dors once played the part of a wicked babysitter. she had to have a convincing wart so the make up girls used a coloured Rice Krispie and glued it on!
tony christy

Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an a***hole
ian_bernard

You rear Children and you raise Cattle
rcampbell

The average distance walked at a National Trust property is 12 feet. Old people walking from the car to the bin as they sit and look at an old building from the car park.
rich.hughes

You can't score a six at Shepley Cricket Club because of foot and mouth. It counts as four and you have to put some special wellies on to fetch the ball.
jamie turner

The human small intestine if straightened out and measured with a ruler would no longer work properly.
kaikiman

You can turn MS Excel 97 into a (basic) flight simulator by doing this: Press F5 to open a new workbook type in "X97:L97" click OK press Tab once hold down Ctrl + Shift and then click on the Chart Wizard icon. Use the mouse to steer the left and right buttons to control the speed. Press Ctrl + Shift + Esc to exit. Whaddya think of that?!
alicefunnell

My mum still makes me sandwiches for work!
marinos

My cat uses our neighbours' ponds as self-service sushi bars
david.mcneight

the word TRIVIA is derived from Roman times when they would post notices and info on boards (the first billboards?) at crossroads or the meeting of THREE WAYS hence TRI-VIA.... bet ya didn't know THAT!
nick

I am sitting typing this wearing a snake print chemise.
timcarson

After Noah built the Ark and survived the Great Flood, God appeared to him and asked him to build another Ark seven decks high. "Another Ark, my Lord? Am I to fill it with 2 of every creature again?". God replied "No, you will fill it with fish". "Ah", said Noah "a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
brunhilde

In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Richard Newton, Birmingham

In the Wizard of Oz, one of the Munchkins steps forwards and says "Judy" instead of "Dorothy".
Nish

Hawaiian lava when polished makes beautiful jewellery.
Jacob

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Wideboy

My great great great grandad played the bagpipes to a penguin at the South Pole in 1902. He was on the Scottish National Scientific Expedition (1902 to 1904). He was in full Highland Dress and had the penguin tied to his foot with a piece of string:
Maggi Robinson

A MAN WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND ON HIS SHOULDERS. HIS FRIEND SAID "WHAT HAVE YOU COME AS?" HE REPLIED, "A SNAIL. THIS IS MICHELLE."
Barbara, Runcorn

Your image should be upside down when looking in a mirror.
Mike Kozlowski

There's a green rose growing in Little St Mary's Churchyard in Cambridge.
Lyon Liz

Whilst in bed you can protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
Gordon Brown

A friend of mine gets paid to watch Star Wars. He makes up for this by reading Chaucer in his spare time.
Derick Williamson

There's a patch of very vivid green fur on the bottom of my coffee mug, which may well turn out to be a cure for cancer. Or maybe a cause of sickness and diarrhoea.
G R B, Cambridge

Iwoot means in Korean,"neighbourhood" or neighbour.
Cipro

If you get biro on your blouse or shirt and spray it with hairspray it comes out.
Tina

Tribes around the world used to use goldfish as currency, dried of course, because they thought they looked pretty and humans have always been magpies at heart. In fact, when these were no longer suitable because entire vaults of goldfish would decompose if there was too much moisture in the atmosphere, gold coins were fashioned in the shape of the fish, to be used as a replacement. However after a year or two it was discovered that the fins and tails of these coins were catching in trouser pockets and wearing them through, so they were removed and the round coins that we know these days came into being.
Flipmo Jim

The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.
Andy, London

According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.
Big Mike

Mexicans worry about tourists scandalising their wardrobes (Sign on hotel room door: "Please do not scandalise the wardrobes" - Gran Hotel, Merida)
Steve King

The first official international football match was played at the West of Scotland Cricket Club in Partick in 1872. It was between Scotland and England.
Bri Williamson

The best cure for seasickness, ever... Sit under a tree.
Matt Brown

In a crash at Silverstone a driver called David Purley survived a deceleration from 108mph to 0 in 66cm (26 inches). He endured 179.8g (G-Force) and suffered from 29 fractures, 3 dislocations and six heart stoppages.
JK7

There is no such thing as a useless fact - it will be some good to somebody.
The Reality Monster

Bats always exit and enter their caves from the left. Airline pilots use this principle to avoid crashing as they are trained to turn left in the event of a possible collison.
Jeff Hunter

You can use toothpaste as blu-tack if you don't want to tear off paint/wallpaper. It washes off easily.
Res 35

Opposite Karl Marx' tombstone in Highgate cemetery, is that of a bloke called Herbert Spencer (a nineteenth century philosopher who first coined the phrase 'survival of the fittest'). "Marx & Spencer" are thus buried close together.
Stephen Maidment

If you place both of your hands together, fingers spread apart and bend your index fingers into the middle so that the first joints on the finger are touching, it's impossible to move the finger next to them (nearest the little finger) apart. This is because both fingers share one muscle tendon.
Alex T

If trees are made of wood, where do they get the wood from to make the trees?
Ken Nightair

This years different, I've been on the phone, Just got engaged and feeling so high, I'm ready to cook all those mince pies, It's probably not what you wanted to know, But I'm so happy, I've come up from my low.
Jess Fisher

All these talking machines are getting me down. My car tells me to put my seatbelt on, my fridge tells me to shut the door and my table lamp tells me to go out and kill people.
Matt Smith

Everyone's doing the Len Ganley Stance
david

in mediaeval times, piglets used to be sold by the bag load. To save money unscrupulous dealers used to put a kitten in the bag to make up the required weight. This is where we get the phrase "let the cat out of the bag", meaning you've been found out.
John Busby

There is a chemical in bananas and cheese which destroys plaque on your teeth, so bananas and cheese are very good to eat after a meal!
liz slimon

Simon is probably going to Slough.
Gary Caldwell

Malta, although one of the smallest countries in the world, is also the most bombed country in the world.
d cassar

20th US President James Garfield was the second to be shot in office. Doctors tried to find the bullet with a metal detector invented by Alexander Graham Bell, but the device failed because Garfield was placed on a bed with metal springs, and no one thought to move him. He died on September 19, 1881.
Carl B, Clethorpes

I would be very glad if you could sell stupid animals like badgers.
Its Me

Tmesis is the only word in English starting "tm" and means one word within another. Fanbloomintastic.
MCFS

Sorry Alex Brookes - "People from Newcastle are called Geordies because...", the true fact is that the miners used to have a lamp that was made by a company called Geordie (or thereaboots), another company (Tilly) made a lamp that was lighter. Most miners opted for the Tilly lamp but the lads from Newcastle way preferred the Geordie Lamp, therefore getting the name of GEORDIES... I thank you, Peter
Peter Ginga Heney, Scouseville

People from Newcastle are called Geordies because... a long time ago when England fought Scotland those from Newcastle, the furthest north town of England, were on King George's side i.e. they were George's... over time it became Geordies.
Alex Brookes

We think it's amazing that salmon travel thousands of miles each year to mate in the same place. However, each year 1.5 million people from the UK go to Spain for the same reason...
Jay Baldwin

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
Mike R Welch

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder...
Simon T.

It costs 200 for a police search and rescue helicopter to take off, and 500 per hour to keep it up there, and they don't half make sure you know it when your missing mate is found asleep under a tree...
N Thorp

A radioactive cat has 18 half lives.
Chief Moamba, London

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was written by Ian Fleming, was produced by 'Cubby' Broccoli, starred Gert Frobe as Baron Bombast, featured Desmond Llewelyn as Coggins and contained a car with natty tricks up its sleeve (e.g. flying). Goldfinger was written by Ian Fleming, produced by 'Cubby' Broccoli, starred Gert Frobe as Auric Goldfinger, featured Desmond Llewelyn as Q and contained a car with natty tricks up its sleeve (e.g. an ejector seat).
Rob S.

There is people, who lives in Finland.
S. Akarppi

If all the cars in the UK were put end to end it would probably be a typical bank holiday.
Zed

Red meat isn't bad for you. Green meat is.
Ooky

Take a wet tea bag and rub it over your favourite picture. It will make it look older and more valuable.
Dee Topaz

A little something for all fellow women out there: if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
Nina E.

I fell onto the Earl's Court underground electric rail after the England-Greece match a couple of weeks ago and knocked myself out. Have been described in the ambulance as 'the luckiest bastard in London'. Apparently I fell backwards onto my neck and my body twisted 180 degrees. They reckon I should have either broken my neck, been electrocuted or hit by a train, but I wasn't! Must have lost three lives though...
Neil Mitchell

A Freudian slip occurs when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
James

The urethra in the average human penis is twisted a quarter turn to the right to 'rifle' the urine and force it to spin, allowing it to be aimed. I appear not to have this.
Laurie McNab

My Very Easy Method Just Speeds Up Naming Planets
Jennifer Eccles

Last month I bought some HP sauce. I only have 11 more payments.
Martin Wildebeast

I was once involved in an EU project to grow cannabis that wouldn't get you high. We failed.
Nigel McCulloch

Dalek means "very far away" in Serbo-Croat.
James Alex Marshall

The range for remote controls for car alarms can be extended by placing them under your chin and concentrating when pressing the button.
Dave Marler

A cat in Mexico had so many fleas that it wasn't until 4 days after it died that people realised that it was dead. Its owner reported seeing the cat move from the living room to the kitchen 2 days after it died. He said "I thought its fur felt a bit odd when I stroked it as it passed me, but you know what cats are like".
Daniel, Southampton

Did you know that Bernini's carvings around one of the altars in St.Peter's, Rome are the facial expressions of his daughter during the varying stages of her pregnancy?
Margaret Wray

Bikinis are a privilege, not a right.
K. Deb Langer

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is allegedly currently suing the Word Perfect organization for termination without cause. Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee: Ridge hall computer assistance; may I help you? Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect. What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. Went away? They disappeared. Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing. Nothing? It's blank; it wont accept anything when I type Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out? How do I tell? Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? What's a see-prompt? Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? There isnt any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. Does your monitor have a power indicator What's a monitor? Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you that its on? I don't know. Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? Yes, I think so. Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall. Yes, it is. When you where behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? No. Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. Okay here it is. Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer. I cant reach. Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? No. Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark. Dark? Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Well, turn on the office light then. I can't. No? Why not? Because there's a power failure. A power... a power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packaging stuff your computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it from. Really? Is it that bad? Yes Im afraid it is Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? Tell them that your too ****ing stupid to own a computer."
Jamie Campbell, Glasgow

You cannot see the Great Wall of China from outer space or the moon - a fact verified by Neil Armstrong. The wall may be incredibly long but it's just too thin.
Mark Walters

Hanging is too good for a man who writes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.
Donald McGill

Apparently if you type the following backwards: natas evol i it says "I love Satan". Spooky.
U Want Fries

Auto makers have installed black boxes in four-wheel drive vehicles and pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find that in most countries the last words of drivers in 61.2 per cent of fatal crashes were translated as, "Oh, Sh*t!" Only Australia was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Chris Barton Fox

The Apple logo is based on the suicide method chosen by the original Enigma cracker.
Claud

When you're going out the office, put hula hoops under each leg of your colleague's chair. They'll get a hell of a shock when they sit down again.
Martin Kelly

Signing your letters with "Relentlessly" makes a better point than "Sincerely".
John Leslie

Where does your lap go when you stand up?
Bart

I looked up the word 'paranoid' in the dictionary. It said 'what do you want to know for?' Interestingly, I couldn't find the word 'camouflage' anywhere...
Mathew, Cardiff

I always wanted to be somebody - now I see that I should have been more specific
Spurs 99

Scotsmen's sporrans actually contain all the tongues of the people who keep asking them.
B J Beamish

Rene Descartes once walked into a bar. The barman said 'Like a drink?'. Rene replied 'I think not'. And promptly disappeared.
PJ, Isle Of Man

Cinderella did not wear glass slippers to the ball! The popular fairy tale has been mis-translated as her slippers were made from 'vaire' which is the same word in French as in English and refers to a type of fur. This has clearly become confused with 'verre', the French word for 'glass'! Surely fur slippers would be far more practical and comfortable?
Simone Shaw, Berkshire

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Danni Doyle

The fat, bald bloke I met on the bus earlier today was the school bully and now works in ladies lingerie at M&S!
Jaize

A woman with a PhD can't change her name (such as when she gets married) without losing her PhD. Because it's awarded only to one name!
Mathew Shore

If I ever get a time machine I will come back to visit myself right... NOW... damn!!! Try it, it's fun.
Badooddu

If water is H2O... does that make ice H2O cubed?
Bryan Arthur

If you go out for a curry, stick the toilet roll in the fridge for the next morning. It really does help!
Keir

Victor Hugo once said, you can prevent the invasion of armies, but not the invasion of ideas. What he really meant to say was, you can prevent the invasion of armies, unless you're French.
Anna Bartlett

If you lay the Monument in London on its side, its tip will touch the spot where the Great Fire of London started.
Michelle Offen

The reason a bungalow is so called is because once when builders were building a house, they finished the first floor and couldn't be bothered to do any more and so they said let's bung-a-low roof on it.
Laura Fisher

Some people cause happiness wherever they go, some cause it whenever they go.
Dan Bowles

If you send someone a bag of snow and it melts in the post, they won't get your drift.
M Broadbent

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? And do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Timothy Loudon

People usually smile (without knowing it) when looking at a flower.
Kez

You don't know that I see pictures, like a cinema screen inside my head all the time... side by side with everyday life. One day everyone will know that each person, hears, smells, sees individually - we cannot assume that we function as one.
Felicity Odam

I have invented a cure for which there is no known disease.
Paul Millz

Following independence, the United States government voted to adopt an official language. English won (obviously) but only by ONE vote over German.
Emmric

In America many town names were changed in the late nineteenth century as many Indian place names were deemed either to rude or to unpronounceable, eg the lake which went by the pithy name "Chargoggagoggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg" which meant "You fish on that side, I'll fish on this side and no one will fish in the middle". However, few escaped the net and there are still people who a proud to come from Toad Suck, Arkansas and Idiotville, Oregon.
Colin Flynn

I think you should know that if I win this prize my girl has promised to be completely submissive for one night. Don't let me down please - our car needs a really good clean.
Paul Mon

The word "Spodrum" was invented by my younger brother in 1996, and has since spawned a secret religion, a powerful empire, several small towns and a product that nobody quite understands.
Johnny Boy, Spodrumville

An Amazonian tribal ruler from an undeveloped part of South America visited the queen and was so taken by her throne that he had one installed in his hut. It took up too much room so he arranged a hoist to lift it to the roof. One night the hoist broke, the throne fell and killed him. This goes to prove that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Charles Coxall

Apparently George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill had had a falling out. On the opening of his new play GBS sent WC a note with two tickets inviting him to the premiere: 'and a friend, if you have one'. WC is said to have replied thanking GBS and saying that although he was busy that night he would be very pleased to attend the second night 'if there is one'.
Ali, Cambridge

The largest city in North America was discovered in Texas in 1900. It was not built by people, but prairie dogs - about 400 million of them. Their underground burrows covered more than 25,000 square miles.
I. Rainton

Electronic equipment runs on smoke - let the smoke out and it dies.
Presactly

When you get drunk and can't remember what you did, you never will... Memory isn't written when you black out, but unfortunately this does not affect photographs or what you wake up with.
Private Universe 2001

If the earth was destroyed tomorrow, the only evidence for the existence of humans in the solar system would be a plaque on the moon bearing the names Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew.
Pete Darby

You didn't know that I interviewed the famous Hammarby goal keeper, Ronnie Hellstrom when i was 11 years old in the first McDonalds opening in Stockholm, Sweden.
Lotta

In Hungary, the satirical political publication equivalent to our 'Private Eye' is called 'Snowboots'. This is derived from the term used in Hungary to express feeling really fed up - 'my snowboots are full'.
Carole Le Gresley

A cat's whiskers are exactly as wide as its body, so it knows if it can make it through a tight space or not.
Andrew

In the Philippines (where I was born) every individual's middle name is from their mother's maiden name. For example my middle name is Cardenas (which means sardines) this was my mum's maiden name, which was my gran's surname (my Gran's middle name was her mum's surname). I'll be passing on the 'Sardine' surname because I am quite proud to know that somewhere along the line my granma ended up marrying one of the first Sardine family in the Philippines (which means they were amongst the first sardine fishermen in the Philippines).
Myra Umali

Brian Clough, at the end of his career as a footballer, became a loquacious club manager. After watching his Nottingham Forest team defeat QPR 5-2 in the Littlewoods Cup, Clough rushed on to the pitch to eject some spectators. In full view of TV cameras, he proceeded to clout offenders and clip them round the ears. An anonymous wit described this procedure as a case of 'the s**t hitting the fan'.
Nicholas Carey

Ever wonder that, if practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practise?
Divs

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa it would completely cover the Sahara Desert
Freak Avatar

I read recipes like I read science fiction; I get to the end and think, 'That'll never happen.'
M. Boyce

Rudolph, from Russia, was a student studying in Minsk. At the end of term he was due to travel home to Moscow for the holidays, with his fellow students, by train. Whilst on the train and in need of refreshment, Rudolph's friend Vlad ordered some Tuborg from the refreshment carriage and gave them out to his friends on his return. Rudolph took one sip, stood up, slid the window open and leapt to his death to which one his astonished friends added... "of course we forgot... Rudolph The Red Loathes Train Beer"
Binks, Bristol

Apparently most women are very slightly knock-kneed to balance out their wider child-bearing pelvises with a central point of support! Hmmm, that's my excuse anyway and I'm sticking to it!
Emma, Dublin

Men's jackets and shirts have the buttons on the right (from the wearers' point of view) and the holes on the right, whereas women's have it the other way round... why? Because back in the days when men used to carry pistols in their jackets, they would sometimes need to draw rapidly. With the buttons the way they are that means a man can easily reach through the buttons with his right hand to draw the pistol which would be situated on the left. It's the other way round on women's clothes cos shooting people wasn't a particularly ladylike thing to do. It also dramatically reduced the number of murderous transvestites that roamed the streets in the 18th century.
Arnolfini, Croydon

Three days after death, hair & fingernails continue to grow, but calls taper off.
Phil Sutton, Farnborough

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man HOW to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
Jace, Brighton

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Fluffy, Totnes

You can play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
G Field, Telford

As you sleep, unused energy is pushed out through you eyes in the form of 'sleep'. When you wake in the morning you'll find wee bits of yellowy stuff in the corner of your eyes. These are actually energy boosters and should be eaten.
Wilbert Ross, Belfast

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
David Gaite, West Vancouver, Canada

Hairdressers always ask you where you're going on holiday; why don't travel agents ask you where you have your hair done?
Tony, Croydon

60 second trouser shopping. Keeping the button fastened on a pair of trousers, wrap the waist band around your neck. If they are within an inch to touching, the trousers will fit your waist. If they overlap they will be too big. The theory is your waist is double your neck.
Sammy Samanjoul, Darlington

Last night I dreamt I had written 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realised I'd just been Tolkein in my sleep.
Eric Hewis, Horwich

When your hamster dies, do not fret... boil the deceased in some water and sugar until it thickens - thereby creating a jam. Bury a jar of said jam in your garden and await spring. I guarantee you will see new life from your garden in the form of a fresh patch of tulips. Why? You always get tulips from hamster jam.
Dr P, Birmingham

I'm so poor i can't afford to pay attention.
Richard Beale

If variety is the spice of life, then why do people keep saying it?
AMMC

Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny have never been seen in the same room at the same time. Work it out for yourself.
Martin

So many of your correspondents have obviously spent such a great deal of time and effort detailing witty and inventive contributions to this site that I'm surprised you don't get more people whose life, being quiet and uneventful, regret having found this section at all and simply give up half wa
Liz Hogg

The last Conservative Prime Minister was John Major. That's as in, 'the last ever.'
Chris Noton, Casnewydd

Allow yourself to have even more money to spend on IWOOT by saving money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate, eg. Mr. KVL 741Y
Amanda, Glasgow

You can make neighbours think that you have fluorescent lights in all the rooms in your house by quickly turning the lights on and off several times before leaving them on.
Patrick K, Preston

Although the earth is larger, the moon is farther away.
Nicholas Herold, Arlington, USA

When out shooting and your trusty dog brings back a wounded pheasant, hold it at the front of its wings and the bird will oblige by stretching its head forwards, thus saving your knuckles when you despatch the bird with your stick.
Sir Monty Bodlethorne

In 1978, in between Manchester City winning one game and their next there had been 3 Popes.
FI, Manchester

If you ever accidentally or intentionally drink car antifreeze which is poisonous... drink some alcohol straight away, preferably vodka, as it acts as a competitive inhibitor to the antifreeze molecules to your blood.
Neil, London

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Bri